


I Never Conquered

by WolfyB



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-30
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-01-27 15:15:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1715213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfyB/pseuds/WolfyB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We are the Avengers...<br/>Or at least, we hope to be.<br/>Title from Adam's Song by Blink182.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I am Iron Man

**Author's Note:**

> Quick warning - this is not a happy story (or at least it isn't yet) and there are possible triggers for suicidal thoughts.

 

 

 

You're used to it, by now. Used to the shouting, the anger... You're used to covering up every crack in the façade that is this life. You're sure you used to feel differently about this sort of thing but that person is gone, replaced by this stranger with a winning smile, expensive suit, and borderline alcoholism. You suppose it's because you missed out on so many everyday experiences when you skipped middle school to go straight to high school and then college. You don't regret your intelligence but you wish you knew a different way to show it. You cover it up with witty quips and sarcasm and you hope that someone someday will work out that it's all a lie - but you don't, too, because you're not ready for the fall out.

 

When you're trapped in that cave you realise how dependant you have become on your creations and that annoys you but not enough to make you stop. The realisation that the things you've made have been used to hurt people instead of just protect people is a brutal one, one that you should've had long ago, but the idea honestly had never occurred to you before, you swear, and in your reams you cry out to anyone who's listening that you never meant for it to be like that, you never meant to hurt anyone - but it's not like, even if anyone was listening, they'd believe you.

 

The suit is the best thing to happen to you. You know Obie is only really interested in the arc reactor but you know the suit is the real miracle. Ending the army contracts may be bad for business but morally you know it's the best thing you've done in years. You want to help people, help everyone, help the world, so you start creating non violent tech - gadgets if you will - and Stark Enterprises starts looking into clean energy sources. Obie is not happy still.

 

Obie's betrayal hurts more than you could have ever believed. He was the closest thing you'd had to family in a long while. But you know you should've known better - after all, you do't deserve family. Pepper (the best thing ever to happen to you) is still with you, after all - even if you are just waiting for her to leave you like everyone else has.

 

Being told you're not good enough for SHIELDs project hurts, but no more than anything else. After all, the reasons are valid, even if told harshly. The, when you find out Fury's pulled Captain America out of the Arctic you are ecstatic. Finally something good has happened - but you don't feel that way for long.

 

Captain America's words hurt more than expected. It's times like these you're grateful for your cleverly crafted image of the cocky playboy. It means you can disguise your hurt with some quip that means nothing. When you get home to Pepper later she knows something's wrong but she allows you to brush it off. Captain America, paradigm of the American Dream, and the model into which your father tried to mould you - you should've known you'd be nothing but a disappointment to him, like you were to your father, and Obie, and everyone else you've ever l- Loki tries to capture your heart, but the arc reactor stops him. At least, that's what you lead people to believe. You know (and others whisper) that it's because you don't have a heart - at least, not one worth controlling.

 

You take that missile into space and while you are deathly afraid, you're also almost looking forwards to the peace of death. You don't believe in heaven or hell, but you find yourself longing to know what it is like on the other side. Of course, life would not let you become a martyr - martyrs are distinctly good, and you are anything but. Panic attacks have become almost regular, now, but you try to cover them up, hide your weaknesses even fro your loved ones, because you cannot afford to let cracks show in the metaphorical armour you have created. The team you are barely a part of is trying to bond, to become a real team rather than just a band of misfits, so you try to help them, try to create a safe place for these people, these beautiful broken people, despite the fact that you are the most broken of them all. You change the name of Stark Tower to Avengers Tower, give them all their own rooms, the best things money can buy - yet still you know you are not one of them, and they don't really want you to be.

 

You have no time for self pity, however, so you will carry on. You have to. That's who you are.

You are Tony Stark, Iron Man. And you always will be.


	2. Thor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's story.

Loki's dead - again.

Somehow, life's just not the same without your trickster brother running around, causing mischief. It's years since you've been real, true friends, like you once were, but still you mourn his loss like you might mourn the loss of a limb.  
Midgard - Earth - is no home to you, but it's better than wandering the halls of the palace where you and your brother once played.

  
And Frigga, too.

  
Your mother, the most ethereal beauty, the kindest of the Gods; she's gone, and not only is all of Asgard in mourning for its Queen, but you know you should have been able to stop it. None of this would ever have happened if you'd just been able to safeguard your family, let your brother know you loved him- and you did, you do love him, because while he is not of your world he is of your kin, however he may have felt about that.

  
Darcy and Tony have both tried to tell you it's not your fault, that he overreacted, but they don't understand the was adopted children are treated on your home world. They don't understand, they can't understand, the loss Loki must have felt.

  
Jane looks at you strangely, now. You fell too hard and too fast once again, it seems, and she doesn't know how to handle your affections. She loves you, in her own way, but she is a mere mortal, hundreds of years your junior, and she thinks of you as less than her, somehow.

  
They all do, actually. The whole team thinks of you as a big lug, more brawn than brain, despite you having lived more than all their lifetimes put together. You can see how they'd think that, but it still stings that these people - who are the closest you have to a family now - think so little of you. There's a reason Asgard is so advanced in comparison to Midgard.

You can't see a way to put them to rights, to explain to Tony that you are the sum of your years in both strength and learning, to show that you understand the silly childhood 'physics' Bruce and Tony squabble over at the mandatory team dinners.

  
You see your place once again unfolding as the brawn of your team, and it more than irks you, but once again you have been put in your place and there you will stay.


	3. Captain America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no one is surprised that captain america is unhappy... or at least, they shouldn't be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I have not seen CA:CW yet so this is set before that I'm super sorry

You never intended for it to get this far.

Your friends - Sam, Natasha, possibly Thor - they only want the best for you, but all you want to do is  _rest._

The thing is, everybody seems to expect you to be happy that they pulled you from the ice. Even Bruce, who you'd think would understand the pain of responsibility when all you want to do is give in, is too busy admiring the serum's work to understand why you just want everything to be over.

You tried to end it all before, obviously. You've done everything Bruce has: bullets, drowning, blunt force trauma, asphyxiation... You've tried some others, too, out of sheer desperation, like jumping, and cutting, but nothing works against the serum. It's like you're trapped in your own body, with no escape, no rescue.

When you were younger, Bucky'd always been there to get you out of your panic/asthma/whatever attacks. This new guy in his body, this Winter Soldier, is so close, but not close enough. It's like a robot is wearing your friend's face. And you miss him. You'd tried, seriously, to drink yourself to death once you woke and learned that Howard had never found Bucky. You knew it wouldn't work - if you can't get drunk, how would you get alcohol poisoning? But it seemed worth a go. Death might have been better than this, chasing after an imposter wearing Bucky's smile.

Being Captain America is hard. Not the fighting, or the strategy; they're old hat by now. But having to constantly be on your guard, not for threats, but for paps? The papers love the idea of catching a national hero up to no good so they've been pushing at you more than anyone, more than Tony even. It's not like the news of your day, it's brutal, with photos in your face at all times of the day, and the worst headlines. One day, you swear, you're going to punch one of the smug brats from Fox news in the face. They swagger about like they're so sure you'll be on their side, their right wing, racist, awful side, and Tony says you're not allowed to confront them about it in the 'interests of free media' and 'putting on a good show'. You'll do as he says, but only because he's much better at handling all this media stuff than you are. You still feel like that stupid circus monkey, being hauled out in front of your 'adoring' public to better sell the ideals of your team. You'll do it, but you're not happy about it. It doesn't seem fair that you had to leave behind all of the good aspects of the 1940s - dating Peggy, hanging out with Bucky, your art - but took most of the bad ones with you.

Like war. They said that the war against Hitler would be the last of its kind. You guess, technically, they were right - shortly after that they developed even worse ways of killing people.

You're ready for a rest now, please. You've fought wars, saved hundreds of lives, done what seems likes thousands of campaign trails, and you'd like for it to be over now. It doesn’t seem likely, though – Shield have done tests, and they don’t know how long it’ll be before the Serum lets you die. Most days you don’t regret your choice, at least, not completely, bust some days…

Sometimes you just want to let go.

 


End file.
